Women’s magazines have always been a source of confusion and investigation for me. They seem to flood the world with their sparkling pink sentences and porcelain, photoshopped faces. And as much as they try to disguise their content as “witty” “funny” and “girl orientated” they’re not. Most of the girls I know would never be interested in anything those magazine have to offer. Most of the women in the world don’t have dumb problems like : “how to tell him to stop watching that football game without spitting his beer in front of the telly” or “10 ways to get laid with a strange Italian on vacation”. Women’s magazines are the ultimate power source for lowering your IQ. Every self respected women has read at least once in her lifetime such a dreadful waste of paper, I’m no exclusion. The first time I read one, it was as if my brain was shrinking with every sentence. I felt violated. My sister had a whole collection of them, so I read A LOT, with the hope of finding something useful and fulfilling. But I never did. And so concluded my battle for protecting woman kind. Why would people respect us, if they see what sort of crap we’re interested in???
With that said, I’ve decided to exclude 5 top disturbing and uninteresting articles every magazine makes. We’ve all been subjected to those wacky dinner party ideas, an assumingly creative gift idea, a cheap ass would craft, 10 ways to decorate your curtain with a freeze-bee and so on. But there is one theme always present, a subject of extreme interest for 90 percent of the population- SEX.
1. SEX SEX SEX!
And just to make sure the only thing that comes up when you google SEX is my blog, here it is again: SEX.
That’ll do it!
I’m okay with articles on SEX, it’s fine, it sells and so on, but they’re not just your plain simple advices anymore. Through the years, magazines have developed a sense of ALL KNOWING when it comes to SEX. And through the years of reading those articles, I’ve come to the conclusion those writers have been virgins for what seems like an eternity to them. They try to make it look like they know what they’re doing, but really it’s just throwing on the piece of paper every possible scenario and idea you come up with. Magazines have covered everything in this world in relation to SEX and now they’re getting desperate. Your typical SEX article would be a general statistic. 50% of women prefer anal lubricant, no shit! (no really, there’s literally no shit! I know I’m disgusting). 20% of men had never done it in a car….30 percent of women had never had an orgasm while watching Hugh Jackman do the Wolverine (I beg to differ). And we have no idea how the hell they came up with those numbers. When did they make the research, do they have a report on it, proof? What sort of target groups they were after? They just type some numbers in pretty colors and nice twirl at the end and make up the rest.
But my most favorite articles on SEX would be: “how to spice up your sex life”. They come in various titles and colors, but they’re all the same: “how to hook up with a COMPLETELY random hottie on the bus”, “how to do a blow job with a mentos”, how to do a blowjob with a stawberry”, “how to do a blowjob with a spike”, “30 ways to do a blowjob”……You get the point. It’s a huge, mathematically correct manual of how to do that damn SEX properly in order to get the fulfillment you otherwise will never get from ANYTHING else in your life, EVER! The techniques are always the same, but cleverly disguised as new. They often change the location, if it’s summer it’s a technique for a perfect sex on the beach, if it’s autumn-on the workplace, winter- in the warm bear fluff, next to the fireplace and so on.
2. Bedazzle my quizzle!
Quizzes are the least accurate way to find answers to your problems, we all know that. But women’s magazines don’t! They have the ability to turn everything into a quiz. If you’re wondering how much he loves you, with painful accuracy, take a quiz, if you’re wondering when and where he will cheat on you take a quiz, if you’re wondering how much food to consume today take a fucking quiz! Don’t make decisions by yourself, that’s for old people. We have quizzes now! When I was little, I loved taking quizzes. And every time, I subconsciously chose the “right” answer that would give me more points, and would make me look like an angel. That’s how accurate they are! I thought questions of the sort: “What would you do if you found a pirate treasure?” were a thing of the past, that’s not what those magazines you read thought. They see it as an opportunity to help you make those rough, life altering decisions. The solutions on the back are usually as generic as possible: “you should be open and tell your lover what’s on your mind”, or “you should love yourself more, if you’re fat, we have a dieting article just waiting for you on page 4”.
3. Fashion, make up advice and what’s hot this summer/winter/autumn/spring.
Those are not really articles, but deserve attention, because they cover at least 80 percent of the magazine. So you want to look like Kirsten Stweart, you desperately need to look like a girl in a coma? Buy an eye liner, eye shadow, eye pencil, powder, nude lipstick. Or you can skip the powder, when you realize you’re broke, you’ll turn a natural, healthy pale skin tone, just like Kirsten! Congrats girlfriend! Now all you have to do is wait for someone to sparkle. I would suggest to avoid looking like Kirsten Stweart at all cost, but who am I to judge. Magazines love advertising products, after all that’s the main reason they still exist- money.
Interesting part about the fashion trends is that they would NEVER, NEVER EVER assume someone wouldn’t have enough money for the crap they’re showing. Hey remember that plain, white t-shirt that we so fiercely talked trash about in the last issue? We’ll its fashionable again! And only for 59.99, here’s a photo of that SAME shirt on a skinny, celebrity. It will sure look the same on you!
I would love to find a magazine that’s whole purpose is to search for expensive clothes and their more cheaper versions.
4. Celebrities and their still perfect lives.
We’ve always been drawn by celebrities, we search for their style on the internet, their hair products, their quotes, their deepest, darkest secrets. Women’s magazines love to cram your head with celebrities birthdays, vacations, houses with ten bathrooms, made completely out of sea shells. The interviews always start with: “He was dressed in a ordinary hoodie and sweat pants, with a loving smile, not at all cocky, just plain ordinary”. Yeah, except that he has gazillions of dollars and the person who’s reading this has only sweatpants.
I know they have perfect lives, I don’t need to read in a magazine where Madonna is vacationing or what sort of house Jessica Alba bought for her child. But they will always tell you. It’s like a damn conspiracy, centering around the mere purpose of showing off how perfect those celebrities are.
Funniest thing is when they start suggesting celebrities weight loss solutions. That’s when it becomes tricky. Naturally, all of them say jogging helps, eating healthy, being vegan and so on. The truth is, those people have money! They have time to prepare a healthy meal, they have time to jog, they have a personal trainer. So when a skinny, millionaire says: “people should do more pilates” they’re actually saying: “why are you even bothering me with this crap, you imbecile”!
5. Venus reaches her retrograde station at 13° Scorpio 14′, you’ll date an Aries.
Yeah, horoscopes, where would we be without them! How many times have my trusted horoscope save me from a disastrous cataclysm….none! But there is still hope according to yours truly- TEh magazine. The idea of finding out about your future, according to stars is okay, every person needs a compass to guide them through life’s preposterous ways to get you screwed. Most of the times those horoscopes are general, make you feel good about yourself and your day. The thing that bothers me is that they are becoming more and more specific. For example, your day before would go as planned, maybe some trouble at work, maybe your energy would be low bla blah, now they literally predict your crummy day. From what you will eat for breakfast to how much drool you’ll have on the pillow while sleeping. Well, maybe not that specific, but to a certain extent. How many times have I discovered that my love interest would come knocking on my door and that I’d have to wait him with a bow of strawberries and whipped cream in order to get in his pants? Thousands! So I sat there with the damn bow, waiting for Hugh Jackman whole day, but he never came 🙁 I blame you magazine, for lying to me! Or I blame Hugh Jackman for having a life!
Gradually, magazines are getting bored with your ordinary horoscopes, so they come up with original, even more specific ones: Bed Horoscope, Vacation Horoscope, Work Horoscope. You can think up of any subject and there would be a horoscope on it! I dare you!
In conclusion I wanted to point out, that I know many girls read those magazines, even I read them from time to time, if I want to achieve the effect of a brain lobotomy. And there are still descent articles nonetheless, but among the huge amounts of crap, it’s hard for them to stand out.
Fashiony part: Burgundy is my favorite color EVER! Bought this t-shirt from….guess..second hand store. Leather skirt from New Yorker.