Top 5 dumb articles every women’s magazine has.

All Personal Style
Women’s magazines have always been a source of confusion and investigation for me. They seem to flood the world with their sparkling pink sentences and porcelain, photoshopped faces. And as much as they try to disguise their content as “witty” “funny” and “girl orientated” they’re not. Most of the girls I know would never be interested in anything those magazine have to offer. Most of the women in the world don’t have dumb problems like : “how to tell him to stop watching that football game without spitting his beer in front of the telly” or “10 ways to get laid with a strange Italian on vacation”. Women’s magazines are the ultimate power source for lowering your IQ. Every self respected women has read at least once in her lifetime such a dreadful waste of paper, I’m no exclusion. The first time I read one, it was as if my brain was shrinking with every sentence. I felt violated. My sister had a whole collection of them, so I read A LOT, with the hope of finding something useful and fulfilling. But I never did. And so concluded my battle for protecting woman kind. Why would people  respect us, if they see what sort of crap we’re interested in??? 
With that said, I’ve decided to exclude 5 top disturbing and uninteresting articles every magazine makes. We’ve all been subjected to those wacky dinner party ideas, an assumingly creative gift idea, a cheap ass would craft, 10 ways to decorate your curtain with a freeze-bee and so on. But there is one theme always present, a subject of extreme interest for 90 percent of the population- SEX.
1. SEX SEX SEX!
And just to make sure the only thing that comes up when you google SEX is my blog, here it is again: SEX.
SEX]
Sex
sexity sex

That’ll do it!

I’m okay with articles on SEX, it’s fine, it sells and so on, but they’re not just your plain simple advices anymore. Through the years, magazines have developed a sense of ALL KNOWING when it comes to SEX. And through the years of reading those articles, I’ve come to the conclusion those writers have been virgins for what seems like an eternity to them. They try to make it look like they know what they’re doing, but really it’s just throwing on the piece of paper every possible scenario and idea you come up with. Magazines have  covered everything in this world in relation to SEX  and now they’re getting desperate. Your typical SEX article would be a general statistic. 50% of women prefer anal lubricant, no shit! (no really, there’s literally no shit! I know I’m disgusting). 20% of men had never done it in a car….30 percent of women had never had an orgasm while watching Hugh Jackman do the Wolverine (I beg to differ). And we have no idea how the hell they came up with those numbers. When did they make the research, do they have a report on it, proof? What sort of target groups they were after? They just type some numbers in pretty colors and nice twirl at the end and make up the rest.
But my most favorite articles on SEX would be: “how to spice up your sex life”. They come in various titles and colors, but they’re all the same: “how to hook up with a COMPLETELY random hottie on the bus”, “how to do a blow job with a mentos”, how to do a blowjob with a stawberry”, “how to do a blowjob with a spike”, “30 ways to do a blowjob”……You get the point. It’s a huge, mathematically correct manual of how to do that damn SEX properly in order to get the fulfillment you otherwise will never get from ANYTHING else in your life, EVER! The techniques are always the same, but cleverly disguised as new. They often change the location, if it’s summer it’s a technique for a perfect sex on the beach, if it’s autumn-on the workplace, winter- in the warm bear fluff, next to the fireplace and so on.
2. Bedazzle my quizzle! 
Quizzes are the least accurate way to find answers to your problems, we all know that. But women’s magazines don’t! They have the ability to turn everything into a quiz. If you’re wondering how much he loves you, with painful accuracy, take a quiz, if you’re wondering when and where he will cheat on you take a quiz, if you’re wondering how much food to consume today take a fucking quiz! Don’t make decisions by yourself, that’s for old people. We have quizzes now! When I was little, I loved taking quizzes. And every time, I subconsciously chose the “right” answer that would give me more points, and would make me look like an angel. That’s how accurate they are! I thought questions of the sort: “What would you do if you found a pirate treasure?” were a thing of the past, that’s not what those magazines you read thought. They see it as an opportunity to help you make those rough, life altering decisions. The solutions on the back are usually as generic as possible: “you should be open and tell your lover what’s on your mind”, or “you should love yourself more, if you’re fat, we have a dieting article just waiting for you on page 4”.

3. Fashion, make up advice and what’s hot this summer/winter/autumn/spring.
Those are not really articles, but deserve attention, because they cover at least 80 percent of the magazine. So you want to look like Kirsten Stweart, you desperately need to look like a girl in a coma? Buy an eye liner, eye shadow, eye pencil, powder, nude lipstick. Or you can skip the powder, when you realize you’re broke, you’ll turn a natural, healthy pale skin tone, just like Kirsten! Congrats girlfriend! Now all you have to do is wait for someone to sparkle. I would suggest to avoid looking like Kirsten Stweart at all cost, but who am I to judge. Magazines love advertising products, after all that’s the main reason they still exist- money.
Interesting part about the fashion trends is that they would NEVER, NEVER EVER assume someone wouldn’t have enough money for the crap they’re showing. Hey remember that plain, white t-shirt that we so fiercely talked trash about in the last issue? We’ll its fashionable again! And only for 59.99, here’s a photo of that SAME shirt on a skinny, celebrity. It will sure look the same on you! 
I would love to find a magazine that’s whole purpose is to search for expensive clothes and their more cheaper versions.
4. Celebrities and their still perfect lives. 

We’ve  always been drawn by celebrities, we search for their style on the internet, their hair products, their quotes, their deepest, darkest secrets. Women’s magazines love to cram your head with celebrities birthdays, vacations, houses with ten bathrooms, made completely out of sea shells. The interviews always start with: “He was dressed in a ordinary hoodie and sweat pants, with a loving smile, not at all cocky, just plain ordinary”. Yeah, except that he has gazillions of dollars and the person who’s reading this has only sweatpants. 
I know they have perfect lives, I don’t need to read in a magazine where Madonna is vacationing or what sort of house Jessica Alba bought for her child. But they will always tell you. It’s like a damn conspiracy, centering around the mere purpose of showing off how perfect those celebrities are. 
Funniest thing is when they start suggesting celebrities weight loss solutions. That’s when it becomes tricky. Naturally, all of them say jogging helps, eating healthy, being vegan and so on. The truth is, those people have money! They have time to prepare a healthy meal, they have time to jog, they have a personal trainer. So when a skinny, millionaire says: “people should do more pilates” they’re actually saying: “why are you even bothering me with this crap, you imbecile”!

5. Venus reaches her retrograde station at 13° Scorpio 14′, you’ll date an Aries.
Yeah, horoscopes, where would we be without them! How many times have my trusted horoscope save me from a disastrous cataclysm….none! But there is still hope according to yours truly- TEh magazine. The idea of finding out about your future, according to stars is okay, every person needs a compass to guide them through life’s preposterous ways to get you screwed. Most of the times those horoscopes are general, make you feel good about yourself and your day. The thing that bothers me is that they are becoming more and more specific. For example, your day before would go as planned, maybe some trouble at work, maybe your energy would be low bla blah, now they literally predict your crummy day. From what you will eat for breakfast to how much drool you’ll have on the pillow while sleeping. Well, maybe not that specific, but to a certain extent. How many times have I discovered that my love interest would come knocking on my door and that I’d have to wait him with a bow of strawberries and whipped cream in order to get in his pants? Thousands! So I sat there with the damn bow, waiting for Hugh Jackman whole day, but he never came 🙁 I blame you magazine, for lying to me! Or I blame Hugh Jackman for having a life!
Gradually, magazines are getting bored with your ordinary horoscopes, so they come up with original, even more specific ones: Bed Horoscope, Vacation Horoscope, Work Horoscope. You can think up of any subject and there would be a horoscope on it! I dare you!

In conclusion I wanted to point out, that I know many girls read those magazines, even I read them from time to time, if I want to achieve the effect of a brain lobotomy. And there are still descent articles nonetheless, but among the huge amounts of crap, it’s hard for them to stand out.

Fashiony part: Burgundy is my favorite color EVER! Bought this t-shirt from….guess..second hand store. Leather skirt from New Yorker.

 

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37 thoughts on “Top 5 dumb articles every women’s magazine has.”

  1. Keit! We have been on vacation and have missed a lot of your posts until now but I have to say, this one is my favorite! Your outfit is incredible, and the color of that shirt suits you perfectly. I completely agree what you mean about women's magazine's. Recently, I have been looking into jobs at women's magazine's, but have really not been convinced by the content that I would be asked to write. It is really frustrating; instead of empowering and educating women, all we see is "how to spend thousands of dollars to make yourself look like someone else". Thanks a lot for posting about this!

    http://www.themirroronthewall.com/

  2. 😀 Съгласна съм с всичко, бтв и аз винаги съм се чудила как ги определят тези проценти и статистики 😀
    Много ти отиват тези цветове!

  3. My favorite part: "you desperately need to look like a girl in a coma?"
    Great post, funny and true!
    Those magazines tell girls/womans how they should live their life: be a good customer, be a good mother, be a good wife, look healthy…
    A lot of crap actually, that's why I never take them seriously ^^

  4. (bow), seriously! И да не забравяме безкрайните статии за отслабване и как да се чувстваш добре в кожата си >_> gee, thanks!

    Този цвят много ти отива 🙂

  5. I stopped reading magazines long time ago for exactly all these reasons and some more. The irony, however, is that I'm a celebrity blogger and writing about same things I hate reading about. Hypocrisy at its best 🙂

    Fashion wise, love the outfit, the leather skirt looks unique and interesting. And burgundy color is simply delicious.

  6. oh yeah, the magazines.. I think Cosmopolitan is the biggest piece of crap ever, a true waste of paper.. and the trees who died 🙁 I think I have nothing else to add because you've said everything already.
    anyway, I've said it before and will say it again, I love the skirt! and I know I should have something like that but I've lost it somewhere and that's bad news.

    Maiken,
    Maikeni blogi – part of me

  7. you had the coolest skirt… i love your skirt. i agree with your top 5 dumbest articles on women's magazine.

    also, i wanna say thank you for your comments over my blog about what happen to my dad! I really found comfort in your words thank you so much!

    It’s a GIRL Thing

  8. I enjoyed reading your thought process. It made me smile and laugh. And I totally agree with you, that's why I stopped reading Cosmopolitan it's so full of such junk.

    I love that shade of leather and it goes beautifully with your burgundy top which is perfect for your skin tone.

  9. На мен любимият ми цвят също е бордо! Без майтап! Преди време забелязах, че поствам в блога си само оутфити в бордо и то един след друг, един след друг… А тази пола е убиец!

    Честно да си призная, аз чета доста от тези списания… И съвсем сериозно твърдя, че мозъкът ми си почива, минавайки по страниците на Космо или Гламър… Статиите им са толкова безумно глупави, че просто се забавляваш – сякаш живееш в някакъв розов чиклит.
    Обаче има жени, които наистина приемат написаното в тези списания адски на сериозно… А те са пълни боклуци! 🙂 (списанията, де, не жените)

  10. Много ми харесва аутфитът! Полата е много готина и ти стои страхотно! И на мен бургундито ми е един от най-любимите цветове.

  11. Haha this is so true. This is why I find it hard to read lifestyle magazines – I'll take the fashion a/w shtick if I'm reading Vogue just because it comes with the territory but I can't stand women's mags that don't have any intelligent articles whatsoever (here's looking at you Cosmo US). A local mag, CLEO is one of the only I've found that has a really good mix of articles and I swear by it when I want to read something and not have to bleach my brain afterwards 🙂

    anni-dot-elle.blogspot.com

  12. you rock again. i think actresses just a simple humans like us. why do we have to care that much? i dont know why some people adore actresses/actors better than really success people that started everything from zero. i love them more actually. I also read some fashionbloggers that have more followers than people that really inspiring with their style and articles. it shows how people nowaday are too lazy to read what non famous bloggers do.(But I think some are read, Its according to my experience,so sorry if its not appropriate to others)
    thenYES QUIZZES ARE DISTURBING. I GOT EVERYTHING BAD AND IT SOMETIMES INAPPROPROATELY WITH OUR REAL LIFE. ALSO THAT DUMB HOROSCOPE .

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