Having a boyfriend is usually а
double-edge sword. Its like having a pet rabbit, without the obligations
of cleaning its shit, unless you’re a really weird couple. You can cuddle it, talk about your day, take
funny photos with it. Boyfriends are cool most of the time, they buy you
stuff, drive you to school or work, share your kinky interest of anal
And then, there are the
other boyfriends. The ex boyfriends. They resemble much more a pet
cockroach than a rabbit. One day, somebody told you that they look
exotic and cool, and you bought it. Until you actually brought one
home, and realized that you’re stuck with a disgusting bug which eats
your food and craps on your dreams of a brand new fluffy pet rabbit.
post is dedicated to your typical stereotyped ex boyfriends who got in
the way of a happily ever after and who made women contemplate the
sanity of men population.
But first, outfit photos!
Bought a men’s cap for my tiny skull. I look like the homeless Gavroche from Les Misérables, only more stylish. Top is from second hand, leather vintage bag, second hand as well.
And now, for the long post!
1. First, comes the sissy.
He’s a handsome lovable and caring bunny. He likes walks on the beach and cats. He’s sensitive and sharp. He’s the ideal, the one, until you realize he’s YOU with a penis.
From first glance, the sissy scores 10 out of 10, when it comes to boyfriend material. The only problem is he has the mindset of a girl, accompanied by all of the characteristics which make a woman, the pain in the ass all men regret meeting.
The sissy spends his days texting you romantic messages and when you don’t answer him, because you just got out from the toilet, he would hurriedly call you to see if you’ve been upset with him.
You know the guy for 5 days now, be he has made you pancakes, braid your hair, brought a toothbrush to your house and some shaving cream. He wants your whole time, your life, your soul, to be centered around his adorable smile and puppy eyes. Don’t mistake this for love, because it isn’t, its just a guy who wants a decomposing sponge for a girlfriend, not a human being.
The sissy isn’t just clingy, he’s obsessively clingy. Remember that guy who was your best friend, who has a girlfriend and is no threat at all? Yeah? You can’t see him anymore! Don’t ask me why. Don’t you love me, why are you doing this to me!?
When you decide to end it all, before being institutionalized in a mental hospital, because of your clingy boyfriend, the sissy decides that the best way of keeping you, are suicide threats.
They usually happen in the middle of the night, when you’re most vulnerable. He calls you and blabbers something about staring in the black abyss and wanting to jump, you blabber something about how fucking late it is and hang up.
The sissy needs you, to make his life better, and when you obviously can’t, his life is ruined, until he hops to another victim and everything is rainbows and sunshine again.
2. The underachiever living on your coach.
Underachievers consider themselves to be irreplaceable assets to your existence. They think they manifest a playboy persona, a bad ass Rambo who’s just out of luck.
At first, you were intrigued by his way of living, he doesn’t slave to society’s restrictions, he has his own path to follow. Only, that’s not the case at all. The underachiever is just a slob, who’s purpose in life is to crawl into a hole of false security and stay there until he gets trashed. Not only that, but under his bohemian lifestyle surprisingly, lies a core of doucheness. He likes to ignore you, as if you’re some sort of a wall. That’s his way of saying to you: “I don’t need you, but I love you”, so unique! I think I’m going to faint!
The underachiever knows you’re too good for him, but somehow manages to turn around everything into his advantage. Underachievers thrive from the good willingness of females. You love his cocky attitude, his I don’t give a fuck attitude, his penniless wallet, his trash all over the apartment, his smelly socks. his boring underachieving bald friends…..Wait, what?
That’s right lady, you’ve been tricked into loving a bum with stinky socks. Now it’s time for him to bite the dust and he plays the “BUT I LOVE YOU” card. He goes on about how you’re the meaning of his life, you beautiful lovely pigeon, you apple of his eye, you salt to his stake! But it is too late, you’ve made your choice, and already slept with some other dude, back to the dumpster!
That’s the breaking point for the underachiever, his only weakness. He will go on with his life, telling stories to everyone you ever met, what a bitch you were and how boring the sex was.
3. The “OH WHY ME! THE WORLD SUCKS”.
The “oh why me” ex boyfriends, are shady guys, they’re like dark spots in the vastness of space and time. They live to complain and complain about living. They remind me of parasites sucking on life itself. They’re not dark in the sense of “fifty shades of WTF” dark, they’re just so depressed, they infect eveyrone with their depression in a 50 mile radius.
creatures of the night. hate themselves, they hate you, they hate the
coffee you made them, they hate the toilet scrubber. It’s safe to say
they hate the universe.
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg! He likes other people to be miserable too. “Oh why me” guys presumably believe their life to be
harsher than anybody else’s. When you try to explain like a normal human, that Earth is not in fact a dark hole of torture, he would stare
at the wall, piercing a hole through your chandelier and tell you with
the most wounded voice :”you don’t understand me, you don’t know what I’ve
People always do this shit, they always state how
horrible their life was and that others would never understand. Then
other people join in and say THEIR life was much worse than the
previous ones, then a third party comes in and explains just how
excruciatingly painful THEIR life was. It’s like a fucking contest about
who had the crappiest life. Here, you win the badge of most painful
life 2012!!! Congratulations!
In my experience, people who indeed, had a horrible
life, would never share it like some sort of a proud achievement. they
don’t even want to remember it. So whenever someone says “you have no idea
what I’ve gone through” I just want to scream :”hell yes I do, you’re a
whiny asshole, get a grip asshole”.
There is a bright side to this pile of trash, resembling a human. Because of this constant dark behavior, it’s fairly easy to dump him, without feeling sorry. As easy as washing a stain from your crisp white shirt.
4. The married one.
This one falls more into the “soon to be boyfriend, just right after he divorces his wife” category.
Aaaah married guys, is there anything better than dating a 40-50 year old,
with children, hiding from curious stares in a seedy hotel,
dreaming of an impossible future together.? Is there?
are smart, they know not every girl will fall into their trap. They
avoid way too confident ones, and divert their attention to the more shy
insecure butterflies. The married hunk, presuming he doesn’t have a
beer belly and walrus mustaches, will bury you in gifts and
promises. And I mean that literally, he’ll bury you in self doubt and
regret, to the point that you would forget simple tasks as combing your hair or taking a shower.
If you’ve been dumb enough to believe his crap, then you’re
dumb enough to sleep with him, and if you’ve been dumb enough to sleep
with him, say goodbye to your beloved soon to be boyfriend.
Ooops, changed my mind, looks like I do care about my ugly, old bat wife and obnoxious kids, sorry, bye. But I will always miss you!
5. The “just wants sex”.
This is the prince charming, self absorbed ass who calls you just to get laid. That’s not a boyfriend you would say, that’s a fuck buddy! Not, not the fuck buddy, the fuck buddy is priceless, if anyone has a fuck buddy, keep it!
“Just wants sex” boyfriend, well, just wants sex. And is ready to go to the extremes in order to get it.
He will call you princess, love of his life, his peanut butter jelly sandwich. But the best lines are “you’re nothing I’ve seen so far, you’re so special!”. Oh lordy, am I? Am I really special? Aaaaaw!
Well, you’re not, your ass is. Your ass is more special to him, than the fact that you’re a great cook or have a wonderful personality. The penis wants what he wants.
“Just wants sex” cheats, drinks, gets a floppy dick, but you would still love him, because, he called you special. Come on, when did someone else called you that, except your mom! You can swallow the humiliation, the sleepless nights, the red eyes, the crying and slobbing. He’s your precious!
The only problem is you can find better boyfriend material near the dumpster.
When you’re finally fed up with crying your eyes out and get rid of him, your prince charming goes on with his life as if nothing happened. Who was the special one again? Was it Rosie? Belle? Samara? Pressila?
Would love to hear from you, if you’ve ever met one of these stereotypes 🙂 Or if you met any stereotypes I forgot to mention.