Apart from being a storage facility for crushed spirits and alcohol drained dreams, university is a place of high standards and educational privileges. Phahahaha, well that’s a load of bullshit. If you haven’t been to college or university, let me describe – it is a mildly clean, weirdly shaped building filled with weirdly-shaped professor and busy bee-like students, with text books that could kill a whole army of cockroaches and still look new.
your life, a whole new world of possibilities enrolls before you, like-
realizing you’ve wasted you life.
1. The body builder.
Many have met the body builder outside campus, but for me, the ones at university are a different breed of menace. You can recognize these species from hundred of miles, just by the huge wardrobe-like back, muscle tight hands and tiny legs with cute white socks. They wear stretched pink t-shirt, to show off their cone-like features, accompanied by the so called little “man purse” strapped around the waist and the “window glasses” covering 80 percent of the face. Your typical body builder would talk and laugh as if someone is pouring his guts out – loudly as possible. When аpproached by a semi good looking female, they would turn their head at 180 degrees and scream some sort of a breeding cry. The favorite living places of a body builder is your typical folklore club, where he can rant how ugly was that mini skirt, who just 5 seconds ago, ditched him.
2. The smelly one.
Smellies, or as a like to call them, stinkies, are among the minorities. Main reason their numbers are so low, is that most people who have fresh water and soap know how to use it. But not our friendly smelly guy/girl. They seem to have a certain type of fear when it comes to cleanliness. Maybe they like the more natural scent of a decomposing flesh, or maybe they’re just fucking lazy. Reasons aside, the important thing is how to avoid them. Although smelly, stinkies are surprisingly friendly. In fact they’re more friendly than your typical human being. They love to mingle in crowded spaces, tousling greasy matted hair, breathing deeply in your face. The best way to avoid them is take a civilized action and talk to them, but with each word, taking a small step backwards towards escape.
3. Average looser.
That would be your lovable Kate-me. Average loosers are perhaps the most unnoticeable. They have their own world in their heads, ignoring the surroundings around them, trying to stay as low as possible. You’ll barely see them standing from the crowd, talking to someone or participating in class. In fact, average loosers could easily pursue a career of a pot plant, they’re that unnoticeable. If they do have a friend or two, they would prefer sitting on the cold stairs, staring emotionless at a wall, rather than talking to them. Average looser are easy to avoid, because they want to be avoided. Sometimes they would try blending in with the rest, but it wouldn’t be long until they embarrass themselves or the one they were talking to.
4. Artificial intelligence.
These ones are my favorite kind of species. They are like an encyclopedic terminator on steroids. Devoid by any human emotion at all, consuming tons of useless information, answering every fucking question the professor asks, but dumb as a post. Most of the time artificially intelligent are girls, more rarely- boys, but it’s equally annoying and pathetic. These individuals can’t act as humans, because they are not. So, when approached by you, the most common thing they would say is something incredibly smart, like what’ the capital of a country you never heard of, or what is the possibility of North Koreans to rebel, although the question you asked them was- how was your weekend? Artificially intelligent creeps have a deep need to know all and show of in a way that will always make others feel bad about themselves. Girls have a sheep-like stare, mouth wide open ready to answer anything. Boys are shorter than the average male and are usually starting to grow bald. They have a complex mixture of low self esteem and sexual needs, disguised by a sense of superiority among others.
5. The try too hard, semi-smart one.
Try too hard species are always fun to be around to, because they always look like squirrels on amphetamines. Deprived from good looks or a high IQ, the try too hards compensate with, well…trying too hard. They participate in every, fucking crappy event the university helds, study 24h/7, and still manage to have a life. They join dance classes, acting classes, art classes, whatever class there is. Because of the hourly studying and constant desire to prove themselves to others, these species are on the edge of breaking down. With nerves stretched to the limit, they get worked up very easily over nothing and are on a constant emotional roller coaster. Fun to be around though.
Smooth skin, big black as oil artificial eyelashes, straight blonde hair with blackened roots, cute mini skirt or dress with black, vamp heels- this is your typical Barbie. Whether or not she looks like that, you can always recognize the Barbie by her embarrassingly non stopping luck and tons of money. Grown in a carefully protected glassed aquarium, she is a stranger to the normal difficulties of life, like eating beans and sharing a room with other two bitches. Her day to day activities include, quote: “having fun”. Although many may assume the Barbie is evil, because she’s pretty and she has money, many of them make actually descent human beings and actually have a working brain. That doesn’t apply for our next type of students.
7. Better than everyone.
People who fall into this category are the most common among students, because they think that being a student is some kind of a privilege. These individuals view others with disdain and disgust. They are better than everyone, more beautiful, smarter, more capable, or at least they think so. Their biggest achievement, though, is that they were able to take a shower. The “better than everyone”, usually spend their days, complaining from everyone and criticizing everything, from the french fries that were too squishy to the way you move your ass when walking. Despite the harsh crap they throw on you every day, surprisingly, or maybe not so much is, that they do not tolerate criticism. If you happen to tell them anything that is slightly offensive, or the damn truth, they would run away and cry (if a girl) or yell than run away (if boy).
8. The heavy metal dude that never shows up.
The typical attire for these individuals are backpacks, boots, worn out jackets and for fuck’s sake, always a mp3 player! The heavy metal dude, or “the dude that never shows up” is a drunken arse in the morning and in the late afternoon sleeping on the back of the auditorium. They don’t know why exactly are they wasting time at the university, but they don’t know what to do either way, so they show up from time to time. These species are very fun to be around, because they don’t give a damn about whatsherface or whatsthatfuck. Sadly they appear only once or twice a month, just like a falling star, that came to light the path of boredom.
9. The vegan hipster.
Before every vegetarian/vegan on the planet gets insulted, I want to say it straight: I don’t mind people who are vegetarian, I think they are an inspiration and I wished I could live without meat, but I love it too much! What I do mind is people who have that look on their face, while you’re eating meat, meaning: “how disgusting, you animal!”. What I mind are people who try to impose their lifestyle on you, because it’s “the right thing to do for the planet”. Those people are the “vegan hipster” ones I’m writing about. Weird thing is that their life is so strict and NOT mainstream, they can’t talk about anything other than vegetables and Indian music. They talk about a crappy concert they attended and 5 ways to cook garlic, but never ever about anything that is remotely different from their lifestyle.
10. Annoying couple.
Booy do I looove couples. I love that they love each other, as stupid as that sounds. But there is a certain type of couples around campus who barely make it out my “shoot and run” list. Couples at university seem to have this urgent desire to show as much affection as possible and in as mostly crowded as possible places. Whenever they’re together, which is always, their tongues are as if glued side by side. These kinds of species always ignore everyone around them, so when they get back to socializing with you, everybody knows the annoying couple split up. What was that talking and laughing and grabbing and tickling all about then? Don’t ask me, I’m just the girl who sat next to them whole year and watching them grab ass every day. I thought it was true love, guess it wasn’t.
I got me a raspberry, chunky Mango sweater! ^_^ Very rarely do I buy stuff from Mango, but this year the prices are reasonable enough, go figure!